Campanastan

'Last Friday Night My Father Asked Me to Kill Him'

Thanks to Kevin Conway.

"...my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel...' " -- Sarah Palin

Dinosaur Extinction: New Theory Explains All!

Creationists will love this.

Thanks to Gayle Leonard,  twitpic, and nwksgmd4.

 
"Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing? -- Jay Leno

Tony Kornheiser's Hannah FireStorm

Tony Kornheiser, fellow sexagenarian Long Islander, former sportswriter, self-described 'troll' and sarcastic ESPN commentator, had his PTI wings clipped for two weeks by his Bristol bosses for uttering this critique of ESPN colleague Hannah Storm's wardrobe (see photo):

"Hannah Storm in a horrifying, horrifying outfit today. She's got on red go-go boots and a Catholic school plaid skirt. Way too short for somebody in her 40s or maybe early 50s by now [Note: Storm is 47] . And she's got on her typically very, very tight shirt. So she looks like she's got sausage casing wrapping around her upper body. I mean, I know she's very good, and I'm not supposed to be critical of ESPN people, so I won't ... But, Hannah Storm, come on now! Stop! What are you doing? ... [She's] what I would call a Holden Caulfield fantasy at this point."

You can read more here.

Tony's got one thing right - Hannah is channeling a Catholic schoolgirl (she's a graduate of Notre Dame). But I'm thinking more of Billy Joel's Only the Good Die Young.

In any case, the pot shouldn't call the kettle black.

"Come out Virginia, don't let me wait.
 You Catholic girls start much too late." -- Billy Joel, Only the Good Die Young 

Miracle on Ice +30 and Herb Brooks' "F**cking Graves" Speech

Thirty years ago today a bunch of college boys from the USA beat the vaunted Soviet ice hockey team at the 1980 Olympics. The USA coach, master motivator Herb Brooks, gave a stirring speech before that game.

You can view Kurt Russell's Hollywood version of that speech. 

Most people forget that beating the Soviets did not earn the team a gold medal; they still had to beat Finland in the finals. Brooks was naturally worried that the team would suffer a letdown, figuring they had done what needed to be done.

So his speech during the second intermission of the Finland game (with the USA down 2-1) was simple, direct, and on target:

“If you lose this game you will take it with you to your fucking graves." As he started to leave the locker room, he stopped, turned around and added, "Your fucking graves.”

Sudanese Government To Sign Peace Deal With Darfur Rebels

CNN just reported this:

Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir's [shown in the photo] government will formally sign next week a framework agreement for a cease-fire with rebels in Sudan's volatile Darfur region, a rebel representative and state media said Saturday.

Dr. Tahir al-Fati, chairman of the rebel group Justice and Equality Movement's legislative assembly, told CNN that a preliminary document for the framework agreement was signed Saturday in Chad between representatives of the two sides.

He said the framework agreement will be formally signed Tuesday in Doha, Qatar.

Al-Bashir said Saturday that it will be signed within two days, Sudan's state news agency, SUNA, reported. The president also called off death sentences against members of the rebel group who were convicted after clashes in the Khartoum suburb of Omdurman.

Mahamat Hisseine, spokesman for the government of Chad, told CNN that the document to be signed on Tuesday will "be an agreement as a cease-fire between the government of Sudan and the Justice and Equality Movement [JEM]."

He added, "All these details would be part of a general cease-fire agreement that is still being finalized."

A permanent cease-fire will be a final step, al-Fati said.

Last year, Sudan's government and the JEM rebels signed a confidence-building agreement in Qatar, a step toward ending a six-year conflict that has killed hundreds of thousands.

Qatar has been mediating talks between the two sides in the Darfur conflict, which erupted in 2003 after rebels began an uprising against the Khartoum government.

The government launched a brutal counter-insurgency campaign, aided by government-backed Arab militias that went from village to village in Darfur, killing, torturing and raping residents, according to the United Nations, Western governments and human rights organizations.

Al-Bashir is under pressure to end the fighting, particularly because he was charged with genocide by the International Criminal Court last year for the government's campaign of violence in Darfur.

In the past seven years, more than 300,000 people have been killed through direct combat, disease or malnutrition, the United Nations says. An additional 2.7 million people fled their homes because of fighting among rebels, government forces and allied militias.

Wonder what will happen to the other rebel group, the Sudanese Liberation Movement?

Now, let's hope peace with Southern Sudan doesn't disintegrate.

"Yes, there have been villages burned, but not to the extent you are talking about. People have been killed because there is war. It is not in the Sudanese culture or people of Darfur to rape. It doesn't exist. We don't have it."  -- Omar al-Bashir

2009 Darwin Awards

Campanastan's Minister of Humor Marty Ennis requested the 2009 Darwin Awards be posted to warn our residents that there are stupid people in the world who could pose a threat to our intelligent citizens.

Nominee No. 1  (San Jose Mercury News):
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. 

Nominee No. 2 (Kalamazoo Gazette):
James Burns, 34, a mechanic from Alamo , Michigan, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped around the drive shaft." 

Nominee No. 3 ( Hickory Daily Record): 
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , North Carolina. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. 

Nominee No. 4 (UPI, Toronto ): 
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings' windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength, according to police reports. 

Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" (Ed note:????) members of the 200-man association. 

Nominee No. 5 (The News of the Weird): 
Michael Anderson Godwin made The News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was  electrocuted. 

Nominee No. 6: 
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , Indiana. Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM.. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54 caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. 

Nominee No. 7 (Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario): 
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. 

DRUM ROLL PLEASE.... 

Finally, THE WINNER!!! (Arkansas Democrat Gazette): 

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. 

On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck's headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering- wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. 

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. 

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole's wife), asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Priorities, after all!! 

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

"Natural stupidity always beats artificial intelligence." -- Woody Paige

Carly Fiorina: Crazy Like a....Demon Sheep?

I learned about this political ad from Ken Rudin's Political Junkie blog.

It's from Carly Fiorina, ex-CEO of HP, who's running in the Republican primary to challenge Barbara Boxer (D-CA) for her Senate seat.

Some are calling it one of the worst political ads of all time, but it's got people talking about Carly.

Nonetheless, it is pretty weird, like something done while tripping on acid.

Here is what Michael Scherer said:

The best way to view California Senate Candidate Carly Fiorina's awesomely bizarre new primary campaign ad--which includes shots of an alien robot sheep, or something--is by pressing play on your cassette tape of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of The Moon just as you click play on YouTube.

"I don't think John McCain could run a major corporation." -- Carly Fiorina, while serving as one of Sen. John McCain's advisors

Amazing Photo of Iceberg - Too Bad It's A Hoax

This photo purports to come from came from a Global Marine Drilling rig manager in St. John's, Newfoundland. The caption says that the water was calm, the sun was almost directly overhead, and the diver went into the water to take this picture. The weight of the iceberg was estimated to be 300,000 tons.

But unfortunately it is a hoax - click here. It was created by Ralph Clevenger in 1999 as a work of art. He never claimed it was an unmanipulated photo.

He says:

"I created the image as a way of illustrating the concept of what you get is not necessarily what you see. As a professional photographer I knew that I couldn't get an actual shot of an iceberg the way I envisioned it, so I created the final image by compositing several images I had taken. The two halves of the iceberg are two separate shots, one taken in Alaska and one taken in Antarctica (neither is underwater). The only underwater part is the background taken off the coast of California. The sky is the last component. It took a lot of research on lighting and scale to get the berg to look real."

 

"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." -- Jules de Gaultier

"If the Light Stays On for More Than Four Hours, See Your Erectrician"

Some pharmaceutical advertising from a doctor's office. Not sure about the doctor's specialty, but I can fathom a guess.

From our Minister of Humor, Marty Ennis, who has earned a one-year reprieve from her trip to the "mountain resort." 

"It's like shooting pool with a rope." -- George Burns, describing sex at 90

The Colbert Report Exposes Sarah Palin's Sleight-of-Hand Job

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Sarah Palin Uses a Hand-O-Prompter
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy

 

"We should all come to her defense and say 'Sarah Palin is a f***ing retard.' " -- Stephen Colbert

On the Nexus Between Farts and Stupid Ideas

More funny stuff from our Minister of Humor, Marty Ennis.

“He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner." -- Johnny Carson

Audacious Aphorisms From First-Graders

Campanstan's elementary school students are second to none. As proof, Minister of Humor Marty Ennis presents the following, and delays another visit to our 'resort.'

IMPROVED PROVERBS

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders - 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.

2. Strike while the............................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of............termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

6. Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

7. No news is..................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust.............................me.

12. The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

13. An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is............................not much.

17. Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.........you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you...........see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.


And the favorite:

25. Better late than............................pregnant.

"In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king." -- Unknown

'Well, I Think of That Girl From Time to Time, I Call Her Up When I Got a Dime.'

Serendipity is great. Heard one of my favorite songs on United Airlines today - Jim Stafford's wonderful Spiders and Snakes, thought by cognoscenti to be a Garden of Eden parable.

And I love the guitarist playing with his feet.

The title of this post is one of my favorite lines from the song.

Here is a cute duet by Dolly Parton and Jim Stafford:

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And here's Jim with Barbara Mandrell:

And finally, his brilliant My Girl Bill, a song that illustrates the importance of commas:

 "I was nervous as you might guess, still looking for something to slip down her dress." -- Jim Stafford, Spiders and Snakes

Giant Squid Invade California!

As if California doesn't have enough problems, voracious Humboldt squid have invaded its waters. Here's a picture from Fox News:

Okay, so they're not "giant squid" as described in science-fiction and other stories. You know, the monsters like the one in Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, that have never been caught alive.

Marine lore has these creatures dragging ships to the sea bottom, devouring the poor sailors who were unable to escape. And engaging in battles to the death with sperm whales.

 So if you're heading to California, beware if you go into the water. These guys are hungry!

"The number of species of giant squid is not known although the general consensus amongst researchers is that there are at least three species, one in the Atlantic Ocean (Architeuthis dux), one in the Southern Ocean (A. sanctipauli) and at least one in the northern Pacific Ocean (A. martensi)." -- Mark Norman, Cephalopods: A World Guide (2000)

Orphaned, Raped, and Ignored in Eastern Congo

With the world's attention rightly focused on the Haitian earthquake aftermath, the events in eastern Congo don't get much play these days. But even before the world rushed aid to Haiti, eastern Congo might as well have been on another planet. No one paid much attention to the human misery being visited upon the residents of that region: rape, murder, mutilation.

Nicholas Kristof  brought this crisis to our attention through his recent column in the New York Times:

Sometimes I wish eastern Congo could suffer an earthquake or a tsunami, so that it might finally get the attention it needs. The barbaric civil war being waged here is the most lethal conflict since World War II and has claimed at least 30 times as many lives as the Haiti earthquake. [emphasis mine]

Yet no humanitarian crisis generates so little attention per million corpses, or such a pathetic international response.

That’s why I’m here in the lovely, lush and threatening hills west of Lake Kivu, where militias rape, mutilate and kill civilians with a savagery that is almost incomprehensible. I’m talking to a 9-year-old girl, Chance Tombola, an orphan whose eyes are luminous with fear.

More from his column:

A peer-reviewed study found that 5.4 million people had already died in this war as of April 2007, and hundreds of thousands more have died as the situation has deteriorated since then. A catastrophically planned military offensive last year, backed by the governments of Congo and Rwanda as well as the United Nations force here, made some headway against Hutu militias but also led to increased predation on civilians from all sides.

Human Rights Watch estimates that for every Hutu fighter sent back to Rwanda last year, at least seven women were raped and 900 people forced to flee for their lives. “From a human rights perspective, the operation has been catastrophic,” concluded Philip Alston, a senior United Nations investigator.

This is a pointless war — now a dozen years old — driven by warlords, greed for minerals, ethnic tensions and complete impunity. While there is plenty of fault to go around, Rwanda has long played a particularly troubling role in many ways, including support for one of the militias. Rwanda’s government is dazzlingly successful at home, but next door in Congo, it appears complicit in war crimes.

Yes, let's not forget that Rwanda, the darling of Western development agencies, is complicit in this havoc.

Counselors say that most raped women are rejected by their husbands, and raped girls like Chance have difficulty marrying. In an area west of Lake Kivu where attacks are continuing, I met Saleh Bulondo, a newly homeless young man who was educated and spoke a little English. I asked him if he would still marry his girlfriend if she were raped.

“Never,” he said. “I will abandon her.”

A girl here normally fetches a bride price (a reverse dowry, paid by the husband’s family) when she marries. A village chief told me that a typical price would be 20 goats — but if the girl has been raped, two goats. At most.

Read all of Kristof's column, and view the photos and video.

Want to help? Donate to the International Rescue Committee.

“One takes a leg, one takes the other leg. Others grab the arms while one just starts raping. They don’t care if children are watching.” -- Jeanne Birengenyi

Idiot Sightings!

These are from Campanastan's Minister of Humor, Marty Ennis, who has earned a reprieve from her visit to Campanastan's 'mountain resort.'

Great way to initiate February 2010.

IDIOT SIGHTING - SEARS
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..." We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING AT MCDONALD'S
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN KANSAS
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

IDIOT SIGHTING AT TACO BELL
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING AT BIRMINGHAM (AL) AIRPORT
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING IN KANSAS
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"  She is a probation officer in Wichita , KS.

IDIOT SIGHTING AT TEXAS INSTRUMENTS
I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights" stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN TEXAS
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN MISSISSIPPI
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST...
When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii. I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge." He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and they VOTE!

"There's no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people who ask questions." -- Chris Berman