Campanastan

Bo Takes a Walk With Master Obama

From Marty Ennis. Who else?

Love My iPhone, Loathe AT&T - Relief in Sight?

Just learned of this story in USA Today: Apple and Verizon are discussing an iPhone deal. AT&T has exclusive rights to sell the iPhone in the USA through 2010.

I am unsure there is such a thing as a good cell phone company, but I will take Verizon any day over AT&T. Can you spell 'dropped calls'?

If you switched to Verizon you would probably have to buy a new iPhone.

Fingers are crossed....

“In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield.” – Warren Buffet

Campanastan Goes Multilingual, Adds Translator

The Campanastan Ministry of Information has decided to add a translation feature to the state's official blog. So you can now read these important posts in your favorite language. The Ministry has added a Google translator at the top of the left blogroll.

Unfortunately, you must know enough English to know what "translation" means. 

"Čovekãt e tolkova pãti čovek, kolkoto ezika znae." -- Bulgarian proverb (transliterated): "The more languages you know, the more you are a person."

Peaceful Valley Donkey Rescue: Support Its Texas Campaign Against Donkey Team Roping

Late last year I discovered Peaceful Valley Donkey Rescue, a charitable organization based in California with a facility in Virgina and one under development in Texas.

PVDR's latest solicitation focuses on the 'quaint' Texas practice of donkey team roping, which is supposed to be illegal in Texas. PVDR is seeking to establish a permanent facility in Texas to provide a refuge (Texas Burro Rescue) for the many abandoned and abused donkeys needing shelter and a kind hand.

Here are two articles from the Mineral Wells Index about donkey team roping (5 March 2009 and 11 March 2009).

Support the Peaceful Valley Donkey Rescue folks.

"We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." -- Immanuel Kant

Favorite Books of High School Basketball Stars?

The other day USA Today featured the 2009 All-USA high school boys basketball players.In the print edition, the story listed the 'favorites' of the five first-team members. Only one had a favorite book, and that was William C. Rhoden's Forty Million Dollar Slaves: The Rise, Fall and Redemption of the Black Athlete.

At least Rhoden is a New York Times columnist.

Do you suppose a NYT team would have been more literate?

"Beware of the man of one book." --Thomas Aquinas

Did Tea Party Organizers Blow It?

On this morning's Reliable Sources blogger Ana Marie Cox speculated that perhaps the Tea Party organizers did not have access to Google otherwise they might not have used 'teabag' as a verb. 

I'll buy that.

Then there was a snide comment about Sen. David Vitter being the spokesman for the event.

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between parent and child." -- Dan Quayle

UA Cracks Down on 'Seatmates of Size' (aka 'Tubbies')

Next time you're on a United Airlines' nearly-full flight, with an empty seat in your row,and Haystacks Calhoun (gee, I date myself) waddling down the aisle, don't worry!  !No hay problema, amigo! 

UA has instituted a policy on 'seatmates of size' that could require them to buy an extra seat or wait for the next flight if such is unavailable. 

From the MSNBC story by Harriet Baskas:

The airline’s policy — posted on United's Web site — states that if a passenger cannot fit into a single seat, buckle their seatbelt with an additional seatbelt extension, or put the seat’s armrest down, the airline will ask that passenger to pay for an extra seat or stay behind.

Spokesperson Robin Urbanski Janikowski, meanwhile, said the airline will first attempt to take measures to avoid the extra charge. “If there is another seat on the airplane that is next to an empty seat, we will re-accommodate our guest in that seat and there is no charge,” she wrote in an e-mail message.

Gotta go hit the treadmill.

“Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”-- Joan Rivers

No Longer Unchained and a Bad Melody: Phil Spector Da Doo Ron Ron All the Way to Prison

Rock music impresario (seems he's always described that way) Phil Spector was found guilty of second-degree murder in the 2003 death of actress Lana Clarkson. The first trial in 2007 produced a hung jury.

Looks like Psycho Phil will be swapping his Wall of Sound for a Wall of Concrete. Here is his mug shot after conviction.

So sad - such a brilliant record producer and a pretty good songwriter.

"He's a rebel and he'll never ever be any good.
He's a rebel and he'll never ever be understood."
--He's A Rebel by The Crystals (produced by Phil Spector and written by Gene Pitney)

Why North Korea Is So Cranky

Firing missiles across Japan. Threatening to detonate a nuclear bomb. Angrily engaging in saber-rattling. 

Yep, those North Koreans are just downright cranky, and the crankiest of all is Dear Leader Kim Jong Il. And if the leader's cranky, so is the country.

Some suspect that Kim is so cranky because he can never be President. The North Koreans took care of that when they named his late father, Kim Il Sung, President-for-Eternity. I don't think they thought that move through (or perhaps they did).

But are the North Koreans really such bad people?

No, the North Koreans are just terribly misunderstood. They are not warmongers, nor are they anti-social. The reason they keep to themselves and are so cranky and belligerent is simple: their men are terribly self-conscious and possessed of low self-esteem because they have really bad haircuts. Yes, take a look at Dear Leader Kim Jong Il above. Would you go out much if you had his haircut? Wouldn't you be angry at the world?

But bad haircuts are not their fault; a few years ago it was discovered that North Koreans lack the gene that enables a person to give good men's haircuts.

You remember one of my Vienna Reports (go back and read Vienna Report 7 now) in which I described my encounter with Azerbaijan's Minister of the Interior, who had a really bad haircut. Turned out that Azerbaijani barbers had been trained in North Korea.

Realizing that Mother Nature had dealt them a bad hand, the North Koreans recently asked the Japanese if they could borrow a few thousand barbers. But the Japanese are understandably reluctant to do so because the last time the North Koreans "borrowed" some Japanese, they forgot to return them for about 30 years. And when they did, they had bad haircuts!

So let's get those North Koreans some good barbers! Hey, Italy!

"The revolution is carried out by means of one's thought, not through one's family background." -- Kim Jong Il

And That's The Way It Is, Andre

From Marty Ennis.

USA Nuclear Weapons Program: Quo Vadis?

 John Fleck, science writer extraordinaire for the Albuquerque Journal, wrote this insightful article about our inability to make decisions regarding nuclear weapons [you may have to get a free pass to read this article - just two clicks].

Fleck uses the case of an aging facility at Los Alamos National Laboratory to illustrate the fact that we really do not have a clear path forward.

We've studied the issues, and studied them, but we're still awaiting more studies.

"There are some people that will be deterred by the fact that we have nuclear weapons... But those people are the folks we can deal with anyway." -- Gen. Charles Horner

Skip a Few Mortgage Payments, Get a Ticket to Yankee Stadium

Oh, boy! Baseball's Opening Day is tomorrow! Okay, today is opening night.

The Yankees have a new stadium, rumored to cost around $1.5B. The Mets also have one, too, Citi Field, but it cost just about $800M.

I'd love to get a ticket to the Yankees' home opener on 16 April, but I have to make my next few mortgage payments. The most expensive single-game seat at Yankee Stadium is $2,625.

World Series: Yankees vs. Mets, Yanks in 7.

"We don't see it as ostentatious or flashy. We see it as classy." – Hal Steinbrenner, on the new Yankee Stadium

Roll Over, Harry F. Byrd: The Times They Have A-Changed

What you see here is the cover of the College of William and Mary's Spring 2009 issue of its Alumni Magazine.

What you also see is the image of an African-American man, Mike Tomlin (Class of 1995), the coach of the 2009 Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers.

W&M is in Virginia, aka "The Old Dominion" - land of Harry F. Byrd (Sr. and Jr. and home to the capital of the Confederacy (Richmond).

I could never have imagined seeing something like this when I graduated in 1970.

One of the best magazine covers I've ever seen.

Way to go!

"Never was there a man who so dragged his feet through the sands of time." -- Unknown, said about the late Sen. Harry F. Byrd, Sr.

April Fools Again: Global Warming Hoax

Since I am a well-known expert on April Fools' Day posts, I thought I would post this item about global warming from the Christian Science Monitor.  

Love the picture, which is from Newscom.

Enjoy!

“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.” –- Unknown

Corps of Engineers Unleashes FART, Will Reengineer Lower Mississippi River

In an April 1, 2009 New Orleans press conference, U.S. Army Corps of Engineers New Orleans District Supervisor Col. R.P. 'Pat' McGroin announced a mammoth engineering project - the world's largest - that would completely straighten, widen, and concrete-line the Mississippi River between New Orleans and Baton Rouge. The project, formally titled FART -Fix America's River Transportation - has been sought by petrochemical and shipping companies for years, whose many facilities line that reach of the river. 

"Let's clear the air: FART is real, red-blooded, kick-butt, take-no-prisoners American engineering at its best," McGroin said. "It'll make Boston's Big Dig look like moving sand in a cat box. Heck, we may even find more bodies than they did! Maybe Hoffa's there!" McGroin stated that the project would "dwarf any previous engineering project" and give many Corps employees "something to do for the next 16 years."

The FART project, estimated to cost $600B and to be completed by 2025, will completely straighten, widen, and line 130 river-miles and shorten the distance between New Orleans and Baton Rouge by 35 miles. It will permit supertankers not even on the drawing boards to sail effortlessly up and down the river.  These tankers will be over one kilometer long and carry up to 8 times the fluid volume than current ones.

"FART will make my job a helluva lot easier," said J.R. 'Craw' Dattie, long-time river pilot who hailed the project. "That reach of river has more curves than Britney Spears and is even more treacherous," stated Dattie.

Oil company spokesman Renata Gass was so enthusiastic that she almost soiled herself. "We have been trying to get the government to FART for years!" she said.  She noted that to show their good faith, BP, Shell, ExxonMobil, and Chevron have donated $50,000 to expedite FART.

April Foolz, Director of the Obama Administration's Office of High Cost Recovery Activity Projects (OHCRAP), said that this project would also help revitalize New Orleans, still suffering from Hurricane Katrina's aftermath: "New Orleans really needs help now, and a big FART is just what the doctor ordered." Foolz went on to say that much of the work will be done by hand, so residents of New Orleans will find "semi-good" paying jobs of up to $10/hour, plus "all the cigarettes they can smoke, reduced rates on AIG health insurance, and a Merrill Lynch-backed retirement annuity."

Eileen Dover, spokeswoman for Louisiana Gov. Bobby 'Volcano' Jindal, said that "FART makes sense for Louisiana, and is better than some moronic scheme to monitor volcanoes. The Governor has been a big FART proponent for years." New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin was unavailable for comment, rumored to be ensconced on the top floor of the Hyatt Hotel. His spokeswoman, Brooke Trout, commented that the Mayor thinks "It's good to FART."

The environmental consequences of such a mammoth undertaking were addressed by the USACE district's lone environmental scientist, Hugh Jeego, who explained that an EIS had already been conducted. "The science class at Jerry Lee Lewis Middle School, under the supervision of the physical education-science teacher,  Richard  'Dick' Cabeza, found no significant impact, other than the displacement of a few gators and the squashing of a few crawdads. I'm okay with that, given that economist Heywood U. Leavnow of the University of P.O. Box 2000.edu calculated a benefit-cost ratio of 600.035/1.002." When pressed by a skeptical press corps, Jeego became defensive and replied, "Listen, have you ever seen that reach of river? I mean, come on, it's not some pristine New Guinea rain forest! It's a friggin' mess! Makes New Jersey look like the Garden of Eden! So lighten up, will you?"

Frances N. Europe, the lone Sierra Club staffer in Louisiana, supported Jeego's contention. "Yeah, FART really stinks, but the Sierra Club has bigger fish to fry," she said. "Besides, have you ever seen that stretch of the river? I mean there's more crap and toxic waste there than anywhere in the world, including New Jersey. It's not some goddamn virgin rain forest in Amazonia! So, no hay problema!"

The project will also have national security implications. Department of Homeland Security spokesman Thomas "Tommie" Gunn and Department of Energy physicist Dr. Nhu Tron explained that FART will permit more efficient operation of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. Tron gushed: "Right now, we have to haul the oil up from the oil terminal to the SPR in pickups loaded with 55-gallon drums. But with FART, we'll be able to fill up those drums much, much faster!" Gunn concurred, saying, "Because I was told to."

OHCRAP spokewoman April Foolz added that FART will not cost taxpayers "one red cent", because it will be financed by interest on the Social Security Trust Fund, and the peace dividends from the cessation of military operations in Iraq (2016), Iran (2018), Syria (2020), Pakistan (2022), and Afghanistan (2024).   

Foolz said President Obama has designated former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich special overseer of the project. She acknowledged that Gov. Blagojevich had no experience in construction management, but he "knows how to handle money" and is in possession of some "really interesting pictures." 

[Previous April 1 posts: 1 April 2008; 1 April 2007]

                                                          Happy April Fools' Day!

"You can take the boy out of the Catholic high school but you can't take the Catholic high school out of the boy." -- Mary Frances Campana